Emotional Intelligence

Introduction

When I was a boy, I would act up on a regular basis. I would hit people, throw random objects at them, drum on my desk at school, interrupt people talking, and make random noises when it was inappropriate. There were so many times I ended up in the principal’s office that by fourth grade, he knew me more than most of the other children in school. I almost had to repeat fourth grade, and then fifth grade. Every day, I would be sent home with a piece of paper, designating how my emotions and behaviors were in class. The councilors labeled me as being “borderline ADHD”, since I could sit and play video games just fine. Though, there was something amiss that went beyond being too hyper to focus. I was asking for hugs and kisses from people I had not met before, and trying to sit on their laps. My family did not see this as being too particularly odd, and so my life went on. Little did they know that at twenty-three years of age, I would discover I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

In third grade, I met a boy who convinced me to play a perverted game of truth or dare, simply because he said it would be “fun”. Then later began a series of bullying, when he thought I would tell someone. Thankfully, my home had moved away from the apartment complex that the boy and I had lived in. This triumph was short-lived, because my mom started neglecting me for drugs. No one else in the family liked me, because I was such a troubled child. I realized through curiosity how wrong the whole situation was at the apartment complex, and I also neglected me due to feelings of self-loathing. A flea allergy and a beautiful white cat with a big heart-shaped spot birthed scabs all over my body. One of my teachers told me it looked like scabies. I would tell people that was what it was, thinking scabies was just a skin condition that made me itchy. Then I became confused when no one wanted to be my friend. My name is Bleauregard von Kasadu, and I had such a disastrous childhood. One that was saved almost primarily by developing emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand one’s own emotions, and to be sensitive toward the emotions of others. We use emotion as a feedback mechanism, to denote what each other likes and dislikes. With this in mind, we navigate our decisions in such a way that maximizes satisfaction internally, and among the people we interact with. When we approach social situations, or when they approach us, we set up certain boundaries that are expected to be assumed. This is proven, in part, by the lack of initiative in verbal expression over how and why a person feels at every moment. It is not efficient for the sender to verbally convey every change in their emotion, when it can distract from the subject at hand. Instead, the receiver is required to develop the correct perspective of the impression that the sender seeks to portray, based on nonverbal communication. The receiver is expected to react in such a way that is consistent to the goal of maintaining stability and balance between both parties.

For example, throughout much of my young-adult life, I would approach a person with a conflicting idea, and over-step their boundaries by challenging their viewpoint; even on trivial matters, such as their choice in beverage. It would make them feel uncomfortable to have these choices be addressed in such a way. I would miss cues in their behavior, such as how they shifted their weight in unnaturally tense postures, where their feet and eyes would point towards, and generally how engaged they were in the topic. Someone that talked louder and faster than they normally would were trying to tell me that they felt defensive, as if they felt I was attacking them. Now knowing this, I can decide to take a softer approach, or change the subject entirely. By performing in this manner, I can inspire them to realize I am not their enemy, or bring more comfort to their environment by discussing topics that are easier for them to enjoy.

My Childhood

The concept of emotional intelligence has also helped me process my childhood. As I look back on it, I see a myriad of memories that have caused emotional distress; even to this day. I see a child that was never taught how to process emotion, or identify emotional cues around me. This child used to think they were disgusting, troublesome, and generally unworthy of the attention and appreciation of others. Towards the end of fifth grade I moved in with my dad and step-mom, when my mom had to move into a women’s shelter I was almost too old to join. There, I was given a rather strict (but reasonable) schedule that kept me on-track. Seeing others treat me as though I was worth more gave me inspiration to look into myself, and challenge these preconceived notions. I began attending church service, where I was being encouraged to participate in activities that required me to emphasize expression of my emotions, such as being baptized and confirmed in front of an incredibly supportive congregation. There was Sunday school, and all the jubilant children that welcomed me as a fellow comrade. I became involved in youth group, where we took part in various clean-up projects to help the community. There were even three plays that I acted in, where I played a wise-man, a donkey with a Scooby-Doo accent, and a muppet (respectively). I was asked to consider how I affect the world, and how it affects me. These people and experiences were teaching me to embrace emotion; to differentiate what is good and bad; to consider what is important for the happiness and success of human life. It was there that I truly realized the mental abuse I placed on myself for my decisions throughout my childhood were never my punishment to bear.

Conclusion

Nowadays, I am not afraid to feel deeply, and to help those who are struggling with their own feelings. I have been in a really dark place, and was able to find my way out (for the most part). By investing the time and energy to identify how we feel- and how others feel- about different situations and interactions, we can sort of compartmentalize what works and what does not. Someone that seems uncomfortable during conversation may not be ready to address the subject at hand, and that should be taken into account. I may find myself in a situation I do not enjoy, and that should also be taken into account. By “testing the waters”, listening for the feedback, and respecting the positions of ourselves and others, we can learn to navigate the emotions we are presented with. Personally, I feel a humble level of pride for the memories in my head, because I know I can carry them and the emotions that are attached. They make my efforts to help this planet much more robust, for I know rather intimately what it is like to suffer. I know what it is like to be alone, to be without support, to be ignorant of the situations we find ourselves in. I know what it is like to make people really sad, and to experience their hate. We are simply acting and reacting from our own level of understanding and if more people understood that, I believe there would be much less pain in the world. Sometimes, I still wish I could talk to that little boy, sitting alone in his room; covered in scabs, with a greasy mullet, donning glasses that are too big for his face (and the wrong prescription). I would say to him in the words of the great poet Shane Koyczan, “If I knew what I know now then, way back when we first met, I’d point to the sunset and say, ‘I drew that for you. Every now and then you can catch it wrinkling in the rain.’”